Pushing Back
As a parent, my greatest fear is not being there for my child when they need me the most. And since talking to a 9 year-old about how her day went isn't always the easiest feat, I've found creative ways to ask specific questions to attempt to side step the nebulous "ok" response.
Who did you play with today?
Was math a drag today or did you learn how to divide 4 digit#s now?
Any special science lab stuff that require frog poop and frozen gizzards?
Our discussions usually yield the same answers - but I like that. It means that nothing exciting happened - everything was ... well.. ok.
Fast forward to yesterday. I came home armed with the same set of questions. But before I could ask her anything, Jailyn told me that she was physically attacked yesterday by a girl who's been bothering my kid for nearly a year. While in line to go back to class, one of the kiddos yanked Jailyn's ponytail very, very hard (twice!) and when confronted to stop, she called Jai a (stupid) name, then hit my kid with a stick.
Reeeeeaaaally?
Thankfully my Jai did tell the teacher and the child was sent to the office thereafter - but that's really beside the point.
And before anyone tries to flame me for sounding like an over-protective, overbearing mom, let me just say that you're probably right. I have both tendencies running fiercely through my veins. In my book though, this situation is different. This is more than just allowing my child to figure out how to resolve conflict on her own. We're talking about who's supposed to decide where one draws the line between advising their child and advocating FOR their child? ME. That's who. I wrote a letter to Jai's teacher, vice-principal and principal. It was direct and unwavering. My next letter won't be as nice.
THAT MOM
Ok... I admit it. I am *that* mom. The mom who tells my kids that it's ok to fight back. I give them permish to retort and battle with witty words, and to push back if someone pushes them first. I'm the mom that will encourage my girls to try to turn the other cheek - but only long enough to ascertain whether their opponent will require a roundkick to the nape of the neck. Yeah. THAT mom. And it's not bec. I don't believe that kindness is essential - bec. it is. I AM trying to raise kind, courteous children - but I am not the problem. My problem rests on apathetic adults who are too busy to actually raise their kids. And it will be a cold, cold day in hell before I allow my kids to accept abuse in silence while someone else's child is running amok - all in the name of being the "better person." Pffffft.
Just so you know, I'm aware that my kids are far from perfect. They fuss, make mistakes and even make the wrong decisions - but you won't find them pulling pony tails. They listen to rules (most of the time - lol) and prefer not to do things that may land them in trouble ( again - most of the time.) They're taught to mind their elders, say "please" and "thank you" and are constantly reminded to behave respectfully in public. They're both encouraged to share, to be kind and to always do their best. When/if they misbehave, they have ME and my husband to answer to - and believe me - that ain't purty. *WE* will correct their behavior - not society. It's an exhausting, thankless, messy, and equally fabulous process called parenting.
When dealing with kids' growing pains, here's a golden piece of advice that my wise therapist sister shared with me: Think about what YOU wanted from YOUR parents. What did you need but was too afraid to ask them for? What did you wish they said to you when YOU needed their help?
In short, skip the parables and shelf the "Well, you see, Timmy..." anecdotes. Be there. Be present. Pay attention. And when necessary, tell them it's ok to push back - because it really is. Honest.
Who did you play with today?
Was math a drag today or did you learn how to divide 4 digit#s now?
Any special science lab stuff that require frog poop and frozen gizzards?
Our discussions usually yield the same answers - but I like that. It means that nothing exciting happened - everything was ... well.. ok.
Fast forward to yesterday. I came home armed with the same set of questions. But before I could ask her anything, Jailyn told me that she was physically attacked yesterday by a girl who's been bothering my kid for nearly a year. While in line to go back to class, one of the kiddos yanked Jailyn's ponytail very, very hard (twice!) and when confronted to stop, she called Jai a (stupid) name, then hit my kid with a stick.
Reeeeeaaaally?
Thankfully my Jai did tell the teacher and the child was sent to the office thereafter - but that's really beside the point.
And before anyone tries to flame me for sounding like an over-protective, overbearing mom, let me just say that you're probably right. I have both tendencies running fiercely through my veins. In my book though, this situation is different. This is more than just allowing my child to figure out how to resolve conflict on her own. We're talking about who's supposed to decide where one draws the line between advising their child and advocating FOR their child? ME. That's who. I wrote a letter to Jai's teacher, vice-principal and principal. It was direct and unwavering. My next letter won't be as nice.
THAT MOM
Ok... I admit it. I am *that* mom. The mom who tells my kids that it's ok to fight back. I give them permish to retort and battle with witty words, and to push back if someone pushes them first. I'm the mom that will encourage my girls to try to turn the other cheek - but only long enough to ascertain whether their opponent will require a roundkick to the nape of the neck. Yeah. THAT mom. And it's not bec. I don't believe that kindness is essential - bec. it is. I AM trying to raise kind, courteous children - but I am not the problem. My problem rests on apathetic adults who are too busy to actually raise their kids. And it will be a cold, cold day in hell before I allow my kids to accept abuse in silence while someone else's child is running amok - all in the name of being the "better person." Pffffft.
Just so you know, I'm aware that my kids are far from perfect. They fuss, make mistakes and even make the wrong decisions - but you won't find them pulling pony tails. They listen to rules (most of the time - lol) and prefer not to do things that may land them in trouble ( again - most of the time.) They're taught to mind their elders, say "please" and "thank you" and are constantly reminded to behave respectfully in public. They're both encouraged to share, to be kind and to always do their best. When/if they misbehave, they have ME and my husband to answer to - and believe me - that ain't purty. *WE* will correct their behavior - not society. It's an exhausting, thankless, messy, and equally fabulous process called parenting.
When dealing with kids' growing pains, here's a golden piece of advice that my wise therapist sister shared with me: Think about what YOU wanted from YOUR parents. What did you need but was too afraid to ask them for? What did you wish they said to you when YOU needed their help?
In short, skip the parables and shelf the "Well, you see, Timmy..." anecdotes. Be there. Be present. Pay attention. And when necessary, tell them it's ok to push back - because it really is. Honest.
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