Sad Days

It's funny how moments of sadness seem to hit me at random intervals. While laying in bed with Jolie, she woke up with THE biggest smile. My baby was OVER THE MOON about finding me by her side.  You know the laugh that begins at the under side of one's belly that resonates straight to your heart? Jolie was laughing like that. And for a split second, I actually thought, "I should call dad so that he can hear her laughing like this." --- How does that happen? I'm a reasonably sane person (most of the time.) All that I could come up with is that once unconditional love is imprinted on the heart, it supersedes the mind - even for a moment.

Just 10 minutes ago, I was sitting on my couch - feverishly working on my company's newsletter.  One of the articles I was working on was about an associate's daughter who died a few days before her 3rd birthday due to Acute Myeloid Leukemia or AML.  I looked at her daughter's young face - and wondered how something so tragic could ever happen to that beautiful angel. Her brown eyes were so vibrant, so innocent. I can only imagine the suffering that she's seen through them.  At nearly 3, it was probably near impossible to comprehend what leukemia was doing to those eyes.

And, of course, I began to think of our dad and HIS brown eyes.  I'm certain that, even with all of the wisdom he's acquired in life, nothing could have prepared him for cancer.

It was all too much. I began to weep. I wept for little Isabella. I wept for my dad. I wept for me - bec. I can no longer read about anything sad without being reminded of my own personal loss.

I've stopped writing about my grief bec. I hear the same type of well-meaning statements:
- Time heals all wounds.
- He's in a better place now.
- At least he is no longer suffering.

And don't get me wrong; I really do appreciate the sentiments... but.....

Yes, I 'm sure time will help me somehow. Yes, he IS at heaven now. And, no, at least he's no longer suffering ----- BUT I MISS HIM. I don't miss what he did for us - but who he was to us. He was my dad. And my kids... they miss him in ways that I never thought they could. I have to endure watching my mom walk around looking lost everyday. My sister and brother mourn him deeply. My niece is always sad. THIS SUCKS. I don't want to hear anyone tell me how it doesn't BECAUSE IT REALLY, REALLY DOES.

The day will probably come when the pain isn't this intense - but that's not today.

And most likely won't be tomorrow either.  :(

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