An Accurate Fuel Gauge

Ever notice that your car's gas gauge lingers on "F" for a bit before the needle even moves; and then it moves faster and faster as it approaches empty? Once it does get to "E"- it dawdles there for a while until the warning light comes on - letting you know that it's time to fill up. This is a design flaw that thwarts us from truly knowing how much gas our tanks have left.

Silly? Yes. Accidental? No.

I've read somewhere that car engineers calibrate our gauges to do that on purpose based on consumers' feed back. Consumer surveys indicate that "we" do not want our gas needles to move from the "F" right away. (Technically, the needle should move the moment you pull away from the gas station.) Consumers also want some fuel in their tank even though the needle is pointing to "E." This gives car owners the illusion that they are getting better gas mileage or at least, not burning through the expensive tank of petroleum they just bought - in spite of the fact that they - quite literally- are.

This type of assuage is akin to those of us who set our clocks 10 minutes ahead so that even thought you KNOW it's 10 minutes fast, it somehow motivates you to get out of bed earlier, when in reality, you really just snooze 10 minutes longer anyway.

As a full-time working mom to 2 growing girls, this type of "miscalibration" in my mommy-tank holds true, too. I go, go, go - foregoing any and all signs of fatigue in the name of attending to other "more important" issues in my life. Then, as always, the inevitable happens....

Tank meet "E."  -  Which is exactly what happened several nights ago.

After 3 days of little-to-no sleep, my body finally screamed, "That's it, sister! I don't care if you think you need to do anything else - I. Am. Done. YOU are done. DUN-DUN-DUUUUNNNNN!"  (Insert snicker and silent reference to "The Croods" here. If you don't have little kids or haven't seen that movie then ignore this whole part.)  Next thing I knew, it was 1:30 in the morning and I woke up tucked into a corner of my couch.  No Kimchicks. No hubby. Just me, my blanket and the flickering light of a nearby candle. Suddenly I am barraged with familiar thoughts...


I didn't tuck the girls in.
I needed to give them baths!
This place is a mess.
I didn't spend any time with my man.
I didn't cook food for tomorrow!

Why do I feel guilty for resting?!

WHERE IT COUNTS
I'm not a martyr or a superwoman. I'm not some drone who thrives on working  without emotion. And though there is a sense of satisfaction in a job well-done, one has to ask: WHY  DO I PUSH MYSELF SOOOO HARD?!?!?

The answer is simple: I need to realize where true self-worth should come from. First of all ME (duh) and:

NOT what I can do FOR them but what I can do BECAUSE of them.

Life ... is so short. And in a moment, all that matters can be taken from you. I have spent a good amount of time correcting mistakes - addressing regrets - and from this day on - I am going to stop. No more lists - no more tallies. Just moments that I will do my best to be present for and unedited love that I intend to give.