Knots in My Stomach

For the last few weeks, my dad sternly refused visitors other than our immediate family.  He insisted that he wanted to use his energy finalizing arrangements and spending time with us. Dad said that extra presence would be too distracting and emotional for him. It was heart wrenching to hear bec. we all know how much his family means to him.  Still - it's his journey, not ours. We honored his wishes, knowing that he'd come around sooner or later. Yesterday dad finally acquiesced and allowed a few of his siblings to visit him at home. His joy was evident during our late night conversation.

"You sound happy, Dad."

"Really? You can hear it, huh?"  Though his voice sounded raspy and tired, I could tell that he was smiling. I could feel it through the phone.  I had to bite my lip to keep from crying.

"Yes, I can tell." I said.  

He and I spoke for a few more minutes. Before we hung up, I assured him that we would be at their house again this weekend. (Please, God. Let me see him this weekend?) 

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Today my sister and mom are with him at his oncology appt. They're going to talk about his recent liver biopsy results. I'm hoping that dad will allow conversation to occur about palliative or hospice care. ANYTHING that will make him as comfortable as possible. 

I feel scared. I don't know why. I physically feel pain in my stomach. I don't want to be scared.