Stupid Freaking Cancer

"Oh ... Sammy's so confused he don't know whether to scratch his watch or wind his butt." 

- Truvy, Steel Magnolias

It is hard to explain what it feels like to watch someone you love die.  It's a confusing, unrelenting pain that resonates from center of your gut and just...sits there. The grief is near debilitating - making it difficult to gauge reality apart from the hope that it's all just a really, really bad dream.  We have to endure waves of emotions - mean roller coasters with drops that are difficult to predict.

Father Henry (Ruszel), our favorite family priest, came over to anoint both of my parents, and to give my dad his final sacrament.  I walked into the kitchen to find my dad enveloped in a circle comprised of extended family. Everyone was crying. Dad was in his wheel chair - eyes closed, mouth slightly gaping open.  He looked so tired, so yellow - so frail. My heart ached to see him there. Dad always took pride in his appearance. I knew that he wouldn't want to be seen like that.  Pitied like that. Mourned like that.  I desperately wanted to take him and scoot him away from everyone - but I didn't. I stood behind his chair instead and began to weep with everyone else.  I had to remind myself that I was not mad anyone in that room. I'm mad at the stupid freaking cancer that's taking my daddy away.  And there is no scooting him away from THAT.

THIS IS SO UNFAIR.

*******

The truth is, we are really blessed. Since Thursday, a revolving door of family and friends have come to pay their respect and offer their support. My mom's granite counter is constantly layered with a plethora of food - containers bustling with main courses, snacks and desert choices so that we can focus on taking care of my dad. The support has been tremendous.